PHILOSOPHY

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” ~William Shakespeare

I believe that emotional pain is a message to ourselves and to the people in our lives that something important needs attention. If listened to carefully, the specific details of our pain tell us what is breaking down or missing and what is needed to live a satisfying and creative life. So, pain actually carries a roadmap of sorts within it, as our authentic needs and desires direct us toward the lives we are meant to lead.

Being able to share ourselves fully with a trusted person results in a sense of greater solidness of identity, clarity of purpose, and excitement in exploration. On the other hand, when we are uncomfortable or unable to share our painful experiences—because they are overwhelming, believed to be unacceptable, or are so a part of us that we don’t know they are there—they burden the heart and “bid it break.” Such unspoken, often unknown, messages of pain and unmet need don’t fade with time. They are communicated through the struggles and symptoms for which people seek therapy.

For example, hopelessness and chronic insecurity are often messages that we view ourselves, our partners or children, or the world in limiting ways and that we need to break free of the binding power of these beliefs to live more fully. Often the people I work with engage in behaviors they know are harmful but can’t stop themselves. I believe that these behaviors actually express some aspect of their experience that is too much to feel or even know about and, so, gets told through action. Even our negative communication patterns tell a story of what kind of painful treatment we experienced in the past, how we have learned to anticipate and protect ourselves from similar injury, and what we need from ourselves and others to feel safe to develop satisfying relationships.

As you have possibly already experienced, we often cannot relieve painful emotions or stop damaging behaviors by ourselves. This is because we all have blindspots when it comes to fully understanding the messages that our pain is trying to send and because our hearts plead to be heard, to not carry our burdens alone. We need someone to listen, understand, and give words to the messages that our pain is communicating and to provide new messages—of who we truly are, what we are capable of, and what is possible in relationship.